Bad Habits & Loneliness

It’s incredible how bored I get doing certain things (like schoolwork), and how much out of my way I go to search for distractions. Play piano. Take a nap. Pet the dog. Write a poem. Write this blog. Right now, I am brewing green tea and baking gluten-free peanut butter cookies.

 

The problem with all the reading I have to do is that recently, I get very sleepy reading. Unless it is night time. And night time just happens to be when I either head down the direction of mania or depression. So either I am bouncing off the walls conducting invisible symphonies or crying my eyes out and thinking of temporary forms of relief. The only relief I found last night was sleep, that of which I think resulted from putting random pills in my mouth in a state of despair. Because you know, I got to bed early! About 2am! Ha ha, okay they weren’t completely random pills, but in the morning I had to think pretty hard to remember which ones I took. Not good, I know. But sometimes I just do not care. I’m lonely. 

Letters

I caught myself writing this to a friend:

 

“…And it is probably my fault. At this point, I honestly cannot even FATHOM someone liking me, I have grown so used to it. If anyone ever does, I won’t know what to do and will probably think they’re just making fun of me…”

 

This friend is always having to listen to my repetitive ramblings… if only you could read it in context…

Behold, The Masterpiece

        

…And the portfolio is complete.

A Stone, A Blossom, & A Speck of Sunlight

I am married to my ideas—to a thought, to an ideal, to a dream. So many times, my standards are beyond what any human could hope to accomplish. And yet, in the midst of all the unrealistic idealism and despise of humanity, there is hope. A small stone, a withering blossom, a speck of sunlight—it’s there… it’s out there. Can anyone find that small stone among the cliffs and valleys? Can anyone find the blossom in the gardens and fields? Can anyone find that speck of sunlight floating in the atmosphere? No. But I will try. I might die before I do, but I pray I’ll find it before that passageway to eternity.

 

I will try to find the good in people, although so much of the time, my general apprehension towards mankind taints any positive nature that might be found. I am suspicious of a kindly gesture, I am accusing you of falsehood and betrayal every step of the way, and I am what you are. We’re lost to the inescapable plight of sin—I despise you only because I despise myself. I am a barbaric creature. I’m trying to civilize myself. I’m trying to deny every instinct so I might be acceptable to you, and I’m dying all the way there. 

Party Time!

EEEEEE!!!!!!!! All of a sudden, a jolt of happiness struck me out of nowhere. “What… is… this… feeling…” It startled me. I don’t feel dizzy! Is this what it feels like to not feel dizzy? This must be what a normal person feels all the time—I cannot even remember! I only feel a little bit like the room is slanted. Just a bit. I’m so excited! This makes me so happy!

 

I really wish we had a Trader Joe’s around here. My mom bought me a load of gluten-free snacks from there today—it’s just too bad they’re about an hour away. I’m enjoying the cookies! I’ve been craving cookies all week.

 

It’s about 2:30 am. I can hear the frogs outside croaking, the doggies are in a light sleep, and I’ve been working on my online classes and assessing what I have left to do for my portfolio. I sure do hope the rocking boat stays out at sea away from me for a long, long time!

Perspective.

I think all you can really hope for in this life is adequate food and shelter, and the mercy of a loving God. A family to care for you is a bonus. Someone to love you is almost an unspeakable hope. 

I look at the way so many of us live, myself included, and cringe. I should be spending as little money as possible and giving the rest of it to people who are starving and diseased. I mean, what do I honestly need to survive in America? A small, one room apartment at best. Enough money for water, and perhaps a sandwich and an apple a day. A pair of pants. A shirt. A jacket. Shoes. Maybe a blanket to sleep on. And even in some cases, this is getting pretty darn luxurious. 

 

I don’t need a cell phone. I don’t need an ipod. I don’t need new music, new clothes, pets, more food, and all of those horrible luxuries I enjoy and take for granted every day. 

 

If I realize how fortunate I am, why do I get this depressed? I should be incredibly happy eight days a freakin’ week. I’m blessed in ways so many people could not even imagine. I was complaining earlier that “It’s not fair.” I was right—it’s not fair. I just happened to be born with parents that made a living and love to share it with me. 

 

I think this makes it my duty, as a blessed and fortunate American, to use my education and resources to help the starving and diseased people of this world. Oh, I feel so puny and small it makes me sick. 

Pro’s and Con’s of Blog

Sometimes I find myself, in those moments of procrastination, sitting down to my laptop and thinking, “Well then, I shall write in my blog.” Or, sometimes during those late night hours with no one else to talk to, I have to share some of my thoughts. With the very personable, loving, caring internet community—hey, what can I say, I get desperate every now and then. But it can be hard to decide what exactly to write. Do I share about the mediocre happenings of my day, sift through hour upon hour of thought, or force my entertainment preferences on people? I decided to make a list of Pro’s and Con’s of Blogging. 

 

Pro’s-Creative outlet. Keep self sane through this one of many creative outlets. Collection of thoughts I can go back and read. Friends can read and have another insight into why I am doing/thinking what I am (because believe me, I’m sure I don’t make sense a lot of the time… there is really no explanation for this… other than…). Share my ‘important’ opinions. Something for people to read when they are bored. (Okay I’m fishing now…)

 

Con’s-Creepy stalkers. Friends read blog, then don’t feel the need to talk to me. Lame. I’m taking up valuable cyberspace with my midnight ramblings. Categorizing myself. Simplifying my thoughts for the computer screen. Less privacy. 

 

I don’t know. I am a person that, from time to time, enjoys reading the blogs of others. The chance to gain insight on another’s life anonymously is a benefit of blogging—not in a creepy “I am getting to know this person” kind of way, but in a way that exposes one to a TYPE of person that exists. Because I don’t know about you, but sometimes we surround ourselves with people just like us. Subconsciously, of course. But nonetheless, there are so many worlds out there I believe I am ignorant to, and really have no other realistic way to gain insight into these sorts of things.

scared.

There are a lot of things in this world that creep the heck out of me. Some things, you just get a really bad feeling from. I think you should stay away from those things… I’m feeling really creeped out right now…

Doggies!!!

They’re shy! Hee hee.

 

 Es came over today and we did art stuff for a very, very long time. I must be a slowpoke because I hardly finished anything that I am happy with! Unbelievable. And I feel like an old dog lady because I like my doggies so much… and they love me! I give them all sorts of advices…

 

So this is useless information, but last night at the ‘bucks, there was this lady offering her chips to the employees. She’s like, “Do you guys want the rest of my chips?” And they’re like “No, thanks…. why don’t you take them home?” “Oh I don’t like the peppers!” And D said she’s always in the other Starbucks. Then today Es was telling me about how at the Y there is this crazy lady that talks about how she is not crazy… after discussing her hairdo, we figured out it’s the same homeless lady. Small world…  

 

I’m sleepy and could be feeling better. Visiting a college tomorrow… wish me luck. 

I’m an EnviroKid!

Been listening to:

        

Been eating:

 

Been dreaming: 

Room is messy… head is dizzy… friends are busy… to-do list is growing… colleges are waiting… phone is ringing… head is hurting… etc.